Worry

Anxiety has been my natural posture, my default stiffness. The way I curl my toes up, tight retreat. How I angle my jaw, braced, chisel the brow with the lines of distrust. How I don't fold my hands in prayer...weld them into tight fists of control. Always control--pseudopower from the pit. How I refuse to relinquish worry, babe a mother won't forsake, an identity. Do I hold worry close as this ruse of control, this pretense that I'm the one who will determine the course of events as I stir and churn and ruminate? Worry is the facade of taking action when prayer really is. And stressed, this pitched word that punctuates every conversation, is it really my attempt to prove how indispensable I am? Or is it more? Maybe disguising my deep fears as stress seems braver somehow. 


As I read One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp this morning I was struck by this paragraph. My friend teases me that I don't worry. But that's not true. She doesn't see it because I just do it internally, not externally. I think that if I keep all my worry on the inside...put up a facade of control, that everything will be ok. And then when things blow up I feel like a complete failure. I beat myself up on the inside, letting the enemy taking advantage of it...telling me how worthless I am because I couldn't get everything done.

This morning I read in 2 Corinthians 3:5-6 Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God, who also made us adequate as servants of a new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life. 


God has given me all that I need to acomplish each days tasks. By myself, I can do nothing. My giant to-do list will always remain just that, giant. Unless I stop worrying, and give it to God. I almost skipped my quiet time today, thinking I've got too much to do today...maybe tonight I'll read my Bible. But I'm so glad I didn't.

My to-do list is still just as big as it was before, and it still seems daunting...I don't know how I'm going to get all that I still have to do done...but you know what? Worrying will not do anything to that list!! God has made me adequate to start knocking things off that list one by one.

So, today when I begin to worry I will open my tight fists of control, take the hand of God and pray. I will tell Him of my worries, let Him take them onto His shoulders. Because really, His are stronger than mine. He has the strength to carry them...not me.

What helps you when you feel that you can't go on any more? When all you want to do is give up? When your life seems to be imploding around you? How do you open your tight fists of control?

I don't do spiders!!

Ok, so the other night my roommates and I watched a movie in the other room. When they went back in our room after the movie I heard them calling for me saying "your friend is in here!" This could mean only thing. A spider was in our room.
Now, let me take a moment to tell you about the relationship I have with spiders. I don't mind small spiders. Even if they are in the house...I don't mind too much. However, a spider that has a more than 1-2 inch leg span is not my friend, especially if it is hairy. EEEK!!! If they are seen within my living quarters they will be caught and boiled. Yes, boiled. I do not squish said spiders because I seen a spider get squished only to have a billion tiny off spring scatter. I WILL NOT squish a spider.
You may be wondering how to go about catching a spider? I'll tell you by getting back to my story.
So, I walked into our room and sure enough my "friend" is hanging out on the bottom of Emily's dresser. And to top it off I can clearly see that she is carrying a VERY LARGE egg sac underneath her. I'm standing there with my roommates and I begin to panic inside. I can sense that I may loose it, so I grab an empty Pringles can that was on another dresser removed the lid and tried to catch the nemesis. She was quick though and she had a leg span of about 3 1/2 inches which is just a little bit bigger than the can I was trying to catch her in. At that point I began to panic outwardly. I wasn't going to just leave her there...letting her babies hatch and become big and invade our room. NO WAY!!
One of my roommates handed me Tianne's arenola (pee pot that you pee in at night and empty in the morning) which thankfully she has not yet used. However, by this point panic was truly setting in. I couldn't do it. I just kept thinking about missing and it jumping on me and biting me, or missing and her getting away. I was frozen. But Emily came to the rescue! She took the arenola from me and slammed it down over the nasty thing! YAY!!! Now I could do something. We took some paper and slid it carefully between the side of the dresser and the arenola. Then moved it to the edge in order to put the lid in place.
We carefully brought it downstairs to boil some water and poor it over her. As we walked into the kitchen half a dozen cockroaches scattered. These used to bother me, but I've kind of just got used to them and while I still find them gross, they don't really bother me much now. As I was putting the kettle on the stove a rat ran across the floor. Again, I don't like rats, especially in the house, but they don't bother me as much as they used to. It's just the spiders that I can not deal with.
When the kettle whistled I took great pride in poring the boiling water over the thing that disturbs me so much! Once I was satisfied that she was indeed boiled to death we removed the lid to look at her again. She was floating in the water, all curled up, her egg sac floating beside her. EEESH!! I felt like vomiting. Tianne took it outside and disposed of the nasty thing.
It took me awhile to fall asleep that night because every time I closed my eyes all I could picture was the spider. BLEH!!!
The picture here is one I found on the internet, but looks just like the one that had the audacity to try and set up house in my living space. You see her egg sac? How many baby spiders do you think are in there?!?!

Missing the Garhwal Hills

Not a day goes by that I do not think about India, my second home. I often sit on the balcony in the evening watching the sunset, remembering how I used to watch the sun sink behind the hills from my host family's front steps. I long to see the neighbor ladies all sitting together with their knitting and neighborhood gossip. I think back to my language route and my visits with the shop keepers. Trying to understand the game of cricket, practicing my Hindi, discussing a wide array of topics. I miss my Indian clothes, the comfort and colors. I crave Indian food, the spices and flavors. I ache to be back there, where everything is so familiar, where I know and love the culture, to see my friends, visiting over chai and pakoras just like old times. I miss the sights, smells and sounds. I miss hearing and speaking Hindi. I miss India so much!
I keep telling myself that another year and a half isn't that long. But it feels like ages!! God has imprinted India and her beautiful people so deeply upon my heart. India shall forever be home.

Sweet baby Gabriel

There is nothing sweeter than seeing a new life come into this world. And there is nothing more bitter than watching that same life slip away just hours later.
My patient pushed her 4kg (8lb 4oz) son into the world at 2:08am after a VERY difficult labor with intense back pain. It was her first baby and she was so excited to finally meet him. But within less than a minute of his birth it was clear that he was not yet breathing very well. He would sort of gasp, but that was it. So for the next 15-20 minutes we fought to get this baby to breath. We tried to stimulate him and we did PPV. We deep suctioned him, but he was still struggling. He was gasping, had nasal flaring and retractions. Within 40 minutes after he was born we transported him to the local hospital.
The next morning after hearing that Ian Dave was not doing so well we talked with the family about transporting him to Tugugarao (an hour and a half drive) since the hospital there has a NICU. They decided that they would transport if one of us could go with to help advocate for them. My friend Chel and I went with them.
When we got to the hospital I could tell that that little Ian Dave had only a slim chance. He was very pale and his fingernails were quite blue. But I prayed so hard that he would make it.
About 15 minutes into the drive the baby's auntie who was holding him asked if we could stop and check him because he didn't seem to be breathing. He took a couple gasps and then nothing. The nurse in the ambulance did not have a stethoscope with and I couldn't find a pulse, so I began doing chest compressions on his tiny body. His color would get better for a little bit, but then it he would become pale again. I continued doing chest compressions all the way to the hospital, praying the entire way.
When we got to the hospital the Dr. assessed him and couldn't locate a heartbeat at first. They continued doing chest compressions and finally were able to hear the heartbeat. They gave him an injection to help get his heart going, which seemed to help for a while, but soon the heartbeat would crash again. They tried to help Ian Dave. They tried hard. But in the end, Ian Dave went to be with Jesus.
My heart breaks for his mommy and daddy. I cannot even begin to imagine what they are going through. May came into the clinic at noon on Saturday, expecting to hold her baby soon, but instead she only got to hold his lifeless body 14 hours after he was born. I pray that God will comfort their breaking hearts, that He will wrap them close in His loving embrace. And that somehow, someway, healing comes. I pray that they always remember and honor their precious son, Ian Dave, but that the hurt they feel right now becomes less and less.
To Gabriel. A precious baby who was with us for such a short time, but that has left an impression on my heart and his family's hearts for all eternity.


*Names changed to protect the family.

Gabriel

Gabriel. We fought for you. We fought so hard for you. But now you are with Jesus. And I know that God will shine His glory through your life and death.
Thank you to all who prayed for this precious little baby, and his family who loved him dearly. Please continue to pray for his mom and dad and the rest of his family as they bury his body today.

*Name changed to protect family.

Number our days

Psalm 90:12-17

So teach us to number our days, that we may present to You a heart of wisdom...O satisfy us in the morning with Your loving kindness, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days...And confirm for us the work of our hands; Yes, confirm the work of our hands. 

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Some days are harder for me than others. Living cross culturally is not easy, and studying cross culturally is even more difficult. I've had my ups and downs living in the Fils, some days seem to be filled with more downs than ups. And yet, God has been so faithful through it all. In the moments that I really feel that I cannot continue on, He's shown up in beautiful ways. Sometimes through a quiet time, or a song. Sometimes through beautiful birth. Sometimes through something a patient said. The list could go on.
My prayer this morning is that God does teach me to number my days. I am only here for a short time. And while some days it seems like I'll be here forever, it is especially on those days that I need to remember to make the most of the time I have here. I am here to learn and to minister to the women who come to the clinic. I need to allow Jesus to satisfy my longings with His loving kindness. And He wants to. He longs to longs to hear me sing for joy, being thankful for each day He gives me. The work He has called me to is for His glory. And I pray that everything I do will point others to Him, will bring Him glory.

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Jesus, as I go about my day today, help me to remember why I am here. Satisfy me with your loving kindness. Let your loving kindness overflow in my life, so much that it overflows right into the lives of those around me. Let me sing for joy, even in the moments when I just want to give up. In those moments, remind me why I am here. Confirm the work of my hands God. Confirm the work that You have called me to. 

I love you Jesus.

~sara~

It's not about you...

I was woken up yesterday morning by the clinic phone at 5am. I was not too excited that my labor ended up being ANOTHER G1 (meaning it's her first baby). I've had so many G1's lately and they've all been REALLY long labors which is kind of the "norm" for someone who is having her first baby. I'd had my day all planned out. It was Sunday, my day to rest and relax. And even with that I'd already decided that I would work on my assignment for 5 hours (something I usually NEVER do on Sundays!!). Anyway. She texted off and on for the next couple hours. She said her labor had started at 3am so I figured she was still in early labor. Then at 7 am I hear a truck in the driveway, Hairy barking and just as I am looking out the window she texts to say she is here. They are supposed to let us know BEFORE they come so that we can be ready for them (get the birth room ready and everything). So, I was a bit irritated, but went downstairs with a smile anyway, asking God to change my attitude. She was a really sweet girl and was rather composed which only confirmed in my mind that she was early, so was I surprised to find that she was already 6-7 cm dilated! Maybe it wouldn't be a long labor after all! I finished checking her in and getting her as comfortable as possible. She wanted to walk around outside with her mom and husband which is so good. I told her I was going to take a quick shower and I'd be right back.
As I was showing I really prayed and thanked God for already beginning to change my attitude. I also asked that she would have a really good labor and birth. That He was show up throughout the process. And that it would just be a sweet, sweet time sitting with her. And was it ever!! :)
As I sat with her, she wanted me to rub her belly with each contraction. If my hand was not in the "right" place she would move it. Or if I had been writing in her chart, she would reach out her hand for mine and place it on her belly. There were a couple of contractions where she would begin to cry out, focusing on the pain. But then when that contraction was over, she would refocus and compose herself, asking God for strength and then with the next contraction she would be either praying or talking to her baby. It was so sweet. I saw strength written all over her young face. I saw her draw strength from within herself, even at the times that she felt she couldn't go on. I saw her lean into Jesus, asking and trusting the He would and was helping her.
The actual birth of her baby took awhile and there was a bit of a worrisome time when the baby's heart rate began to crash. But with changing position, head stim to the baby and O2 it began to climb again. I know we were all praying. And then finally her baby entered this world! A little boy. It took him a bit to find his voice, but when he did, you knew it was there!!
What an honor it was to sit with her as she labored and then to catch her baby as it came into the world! Every time I attend a birth I feel so blessed and honored to be a part of something so special and intimate. But I think it was even more so this time.
Even though my day was disrupted and I didn't get nearly everything done that I'd planned, I wouldn't have traded that birth for anything! God is so good!
Here's a couple pictures of this beautiful new little family. :)

**WARNING** BRUTALLY HONEST POST!!

If you don't want to read about a missionary who struggles, who sometimes often doesn't want to be where she is, longs to be elsewhere and on some days wants to give up, than please, read no further.


However, if you are ok with hearing the honest truth of the struggles, longings, and wantings to give up, than please, continue on.


I would like to take a moment and be brutally honest with you...


Some days I really don't want to be here in the Philippines. I do not connect with the culture here (don't get me wrong, I do love the girls that I live with and I enjoy the woman who come for prenatals). I don't like that everyone here is so western but not. It's like they are trying to be someone they aren't. I feel like we eat the same (good, but the same) food all the time. And I HATE country music and that's the favorite genre of everyone here.


Some days I just want to talk to my family and friends without either getting up really early or staying up late. I hate that when I do try and call my family they never answer their phone. I hate that I wasn't able to even wish my nephew a happy birthday yet (and it's already been five days since his birthday) let alone celebrate with him. I hate that I've missed three of my nephews births and I'll miss this next one too.


Sometimes I would love to be able to bake something when I have all the ingredients readily available. To be able to make something and not have to think about what I need to substitute for something I can't get. Or to be able to try a recipe that calls for specialty ingredients. To not have to try and get things to bake right, struggling with the humidity and everything.


Some days I really just want to have a normal job, 9 to 5. Monday through Friday. To be able to get up in the morning and actually GO to work...get in my car and drive across town, park, and walk into my work place. Have a lunch break. Work through the afternoon and get off at five. To be able to go home and cook dinner in my own kitchen that is decorated how I want it and has all the utensils I could ever DREAM of having (including a can opener that ACTUALLY works!!).


Some days I just want to have my own home. To not share everything with everybody. To be able to leave dirty dishes in the sink overnight and it not't matter to anyone but me. To have a house to myself, not having people around me CONSTANTLY!! (since I moved here in August I've only been completely alone in the house twice) To be able to be me, without having people telling me don't do that, don't say things that way, or you should do this or be this.


 
Some days I just want to give up. I want to go home. I want to have a car, a home and eventually, a family. I read about my friends who are married and have several children. I see on Facebook that even some of my campers are having babies!! And I wonder, will I ever get married? Will I ever have a family? Some days I just want to say, "That's it. I've had enough. I'm going home." I want to say to God, "Here, take it. This burden you've given to me...I can't handle it anymore. You can have it back."




These are just a few of the things that I struggle with, usually in one area or another almost every day. I don't want you to take this the wrong way. I know that God has me here for a reason, that the training I am receiving will help to reach the woman of north India. And I know that God is faithful and will see me through, even through these hard times. But I also wanted to be honest so that you know that I do struggle. So that you can pray for me, write me notes of encouragement. I miss home and I want to be there, but I will continue on.


I am reminded of Paul when he was writing to the believers at Philippi. Paul was struggling with his longing to be with Jesus, to be home. He says that if he was given the choice to stay or go, he knows he would stay for their sake. Given the choice, it would be tough, and I'm really not sure what I would choose at this point (it's been a pretty tough day), but I hope that I would choose to stay. To continue on. Knowing that it my struggles will be to the benefit of the Jaunsari people.


If you are shocked by my honesty, I am sorry. I simply wanted you to know my struggles, my burdens. Thank you for listening.
~sara~

A beautiful sound

I think one of the most beautiful sounds I've ever heard is that of a brand new baby's cry. Every time a catch a baby, assist at a birth, or simply sit in the admitting area of the clinic, I anxiously await that beautiful sound. There is nothing in this world that compares with hearing the first sound that the baby makes, letting us know that he is alive and well.
It is an especially wonderful sound after a hard birth or, as was the case the other day, a time of trying to assist the baby to breath.
My roommate was leaving to go back to the States for a few weeks that day. The night before, one of her continuity patients came to the clinic in labor. Kayla stayed up with her all night labor watching. She began getting more active late that morning. I wasn't able to be at the birth because I was on for prenatals, but the room where we do prenatals is just next to the birth room, so I was able to keep up on what was happening. She'd begun to bleed some before the baby was out, so the midwife who runs the clinic here went to help with the birth. The mama was fine, but had a pretty hard birth, and when the baby finally came out he was limp and not crying. Georgia did PPV for nine long, excruciating minutes, with all the midwives in the room, and the ones not there, and the mom all praying and begging the baby to cry.
I peaked my head in at one point and it was about all I could take. I don't think I've ever wanted anything as bad as I wanted to hear that baby cry! Those nine minuets felt like an eternity! But finally, that beautiful little boy began to cry, and with it came a great sigh of relief from all present, knowing that he was breathing on his own. He ended up being transported to the hospital later that night because he was still struggling with breathing a bit and there had been pretty thick mec. When two of the girls went to visit him at the hospital the next day he was on IV antibiotics, but seemed to be doing ok.
It's scary to think that if that baby had been born at home instead of here with trained midwives he probably wouldn't have made it. It makes me so anxious to finish my training and head back to India. In Uttarakhand state the maternal mortality rate is 440 for every 100,000 births and the infant mortality rate is 42 per 1,000 live births. Both of these are pretty shockingly high rates, and many of these deaths happen at home or in the field with no, or an ill trained, birth attendant. My hope is to reach women and their families with the love of Jesus through providing care during the antepartum, birth and postpartum periods of a woman's life.
Thank you for joining me on this journey. :)
~sara~

Homesick

I've been really homesick lately. I miss my family. I had so much fun this past summer spending LOTS of time with my sister and her boys. My sister is an AMAZING mother and her boys are so sweet and TONS of fun!! I cherished each and every moment I had with them. And now, I am missing them. I miss reading Dr. Seuss's sleep book to Eli every night. I miss watching Sam chase the chickens. I miss talking with Christina. I just miss them. 
I miss the conveniences of living in the States. When I go to the ATM there it just works. And if for some reason it doesn't, then there's a million others I can use! Here we have only one ATM and it is often "off line". Then when it does work my card won't work. I would love to be able to do something simple and have it be actually that, simple. 
I was talking with my roommate last night about being homesick. We both sat for awhile, wondering what it would be like to be living the American dream instead of living in another country, where everything is so complicated. We thought wistfully about it for a bit, but in the end decided that we are happy right where God has us. Even if we do miss home. 

Missing you and the times we had (old and new...)

It's been a long time since I posted last. Over two months! And I want to apologize from the bottom of my heart. I am really, truly going to try and be better. I promise!
Anyway. I was thinking about friends the other day. And it made me remember a post I did last year. I'd like to re-post it now, and add a few more recent memories to it.

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I was thinking this morning about life, and how at one point I spent a lot of time with certain people and then our lives went in different directions. We still talk and occasionally hang out, (well, now that I’m in !nd!a, not so much hanging out...) but our lives are more separate. So, in this entry I want to remember a few great times I had with friends.

I think back about two years ago. A core group of us from Camp would hang out almost every weekend. Kyle, Ben, Becca, Kelsey, and I. Sometimes we would pick up Alex and Zach and they would go “Fizz” with us at Village Inn. Or we would pick up the Lake Village kids and do something fun with them. Take them to a parade, horse back riding or have a birthday party in the trailer court for one of them. That was a really fun summer. I miss you guys!!

In August of 2005 I met the Biernackis at LifeLight. Leslie and I stayed up until 2am talking about nothing and everything. That was the beginning of our friendship. Together we helped run the coffee house at Camp, did LVKC, worked at Camps, lived together, worked together, pulled all kinds of pranks together, read and fought over who gets to read the newest Ted Dekker book together(by the way Les, I’ve got Bone Man’s Daughters, the latest...but I’m not sure when I’m going to read it...save for a hard day maybe), laughed and cried together, cooked together...the list could go on and on! I love and miss you TONS Leslie, JP, Echo and Jonah!!

In 2003 I was going to collage at Gr@ce U. I met an old friend there and we got to know each other again. Julie and I hung out a little bit that fall semester, but more the spring semester. But that summer(2004) we worked (and goofed off A LOT) in house keeping together. When we got off work we would go see movies at the dollar theater because they were only 50 cents before 6. We moved to Sioux City and lived at WIT for a semester, and then got an apartment. We had dreams of starting a catering business. We did scrap booking together. We got really good deals when we went shopping. We would go to kind of expensive restaurants and eat for really cheep. Jew, I miss all the good times we had. I love you!

These are just a few of the good times I remember having with just a few good friends. I want you to know that even though I am on the other side of the world I still think of you often and I love and miss you all immensely! I ask Dad to bl3ss you often and I can’t wait to see you in two years!

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While I was in Ind!a I met and lived with an AMAZING family!! They truly became my Ind!an family. I taught them how to make pizza and how to play the "Stealing Game" aka, Settlers of Catan. We celebrated Christmas together and I made up really goofy songs on my guitar about each of them. I love and miss you guys TONS!!!

My team in Ind!a was simply amazing!! And they still are. I miss playing games with you guys. I miss taking care of the boys while Stephen and Amber went out for a date. I miss going to parks and eating watermelon. I miss drinking Stephens chai. I miss living with Suzy, and watching movies together.

While I was home I spent lots of time with my sister and her boys. She has the two goofiest, but most adorable boys I've EVER met!! Eli loves to be silly, running in circles saying, "Stop rabbit, stop! Stop rabbit, stop!" pretending the rabbit is chasing him. He also loved to read books. I read Dr. Seuss's Sleep Book to him every night and pretty soon he was able to recite it back to me. Sammy is also an equally silly boy. He loves sleeping with a crib FULL of stuffed animals and chasing the chickens during the day. He loved it when I chased him through the house just to catch and tickle him. And I miss talking with Kry about anything and everything.

Well, that's my new addition to this old post. Even if I didn't mention you here, know that I love and miss you very much!!
~sara~

Typhoons and Candellight births

I thought I'd take a break from Wordless Wednesday(even though it's been awhile since I posted) today. It's been a bit crazy around here since last Monday(a week and a half ago). Monday morning Typhoon Megi came sweeping her rage though Tabuk. She dumped TONS of rain and blew trees down with her mighty wind. In one of the villages we do out reach to she flattened about twenty homes, and took off roofs and walls from countless others.
Since she came though we haven't had electricity, and it could be at least another week to a month or two before they get all the lines and everything fixed. We do have a generator at the clinic, but we've had to do two births by candlelight already because the generator has some issues.
It's also been difficult to work on assignments because of the lack of electricity. Though there is a gas station down the street that has a good generator(good enough to run the AC even!!) and internet, so I've been spending quite a bit of time down here.
We've had a couple of girls from Davao here this month. It's been a lot of fun having them here and I'll be sad to see them go next week.
Well, I hope this update finds you all doing well!
~sara~

In honor of Autumn

Things morning during my quite time I was reading a book by Brennan Manning. He wrote this,

"L0rd, have I ever thanked you for your north wind? If I haven't, I do so now. You must've known I was saturated with summer. This morning I walked out and your blithe north wind bit my cheek and tangled my hair and sent me scurrying to the warmth of the waiting car, accompanied by the cats, prancing and dancing down the walk, as if heralds of your wind from the north. L0rd, your north wind delights me, invigorates me, renews me. It invites me to walk faster, breathe more deeply, look more closely. It brings a wine-red promise of crisp cold nights bright with stars, frosted windows and warm beds heaped high with fluffy blankets. L0rd, it even has a different smell, as though along the way to me it pick up bits and pieces o spruce and fir and juniper and tar and salty seas, mountain lakes and spices. I know, L0rd, that to some your bright north wind brings only the promise of hard, deep cold and pain. And I ask you, L0rdm to warm them and to comfort them. But as for me, my L0rd, I give you praise and thanks, honor and glory and blessing for the sheer joy and exuberance of your playful north wind this morning."

I really miss fall! I miss the crisp, cool air. I miss the spice that can be smelt. I miss the fields of drying corn, the sound of combines working late into the night. I miss seeing apple orchards with trees ready for picking. I miss the pumpkin patches. I miss the candy corn and pumpkins. I miss the all the beautiful leaves of many colors on the trees. I miss walking on crunchy leaves scattered across the walk. I miss raking leaves. I miss have a bonfire with good friends, roasting marshmallows for s'mores. I really miss fall! So, I ask that you will enjoy autumn just a little bit more than usual this year for me.

 (Thank you Christina for letting me steal your picture! ;) Gotta love sisters!!)

Living by Promise

Cling to the promise of provision.

You said.

So I cling.

I will provide for your needs.

You said.

So I wait.

I will not let you down.

You said.

So I trust.

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Living on support is not easy. Hardly a day goes by when I don't worry about how I will pay for one thing or another. But somehow God always provides. As I have been worrying about money again throughout this week, God has been bringing up many passages about Him providing. Yesterday it was a verse that is taped to some shelves in my room. I'd been meaning to read it for a few days, but for some reason I hadn't yet, even though I get things from it every day. Today it was a verse taped to the wall in the postpartum room at the clinic. Earlier in the week it was a passage I read in my quiet time. I know that God will provide because He has promised me He will. So, I will cling, I will wait and I will trust.

Daring Baker's Challenge...

I really enjoy reading baking blogs. Many of the baking bloggers out there have joined the Daring Baker's Challenge. How this works is one baker/blogger is chosen each month to give the challenge. They let everyone in the group know what the challenge is and within that month each baker/blogger must complete the challenge and blog about it.
While I was in India I would read these blogs and think how fun it would be to join this group. But each time I thought about joining I would think about the added challenge of trying to find/make the right ingredients and would decide not to add so much stress to my life. I think this was a pretty wise decision, though I still think it would be fun. :)
All that is to lead into my story from this weekend. Since I got back to the States a month ago I haven't really wanted to bake much of anything. If you know me even a little bit you'll know how strange this is. I LOVE to bake!! So me not wanting to bake is really weird.
The reason I haven't wanted to bake anything is because the challenge that baking took on in India no longer exists here in the States. You decide what you want to bake, jump in the car to go to the store to get what you need and come home and bake. Not as exciting as deciding what you want to bake, walking to the market and trying to find the right ingredients and when you can't figuring out what you can substitute then walking up the mountain to go home and bake. Then in the middle of your baking the electricity going off. You see the difference?
So, yesterday I had a potluck to go to. I decided I was going to make Dall Makhani(Ymmmy!!!beans in a creamy tomato sauce) and Gujya(SUPPER YUMMY!! a fried pastry filled with mawa, coconut, raisins, cashews and almonds). Everything for both of these are readily available here except for the mawa(pronounced mava). Mawa is simply milk boiled till it is dry and thick. You may be thinking what I was. Oh, well that should be easy. I'm here to tell you that, no. It is not that easy.
Saturday morning I took a gallon of Vitamin D milk and poured it into a pot and put it on the stove. All morning it cooked. I had to leave for a few hours, so I turned it off and left. When I got home I turned it back on and continued to wait. And wait. And Wait. AND WAIT!!! It never thickened. So, I decided maybe I should do a bit more research. I googled it and found MANY ways to to make mawa. One of the easiest was milk, cream and sweetened condensed milk. I went down to the store and pick up the cream and condensed milk. I put them in the pot with the milk and began the waiting again. It never thickened. By this time it was about 11:30 Saturday night. So, I decided that I'd work on it more on Sunday afternoon.
Sunday - I got home and googled mawa again. I found a recipe that had whole fat dry milk, evaporated milk and cream. Easy I thought. So, I went to the store and found out that you can't find whole dry milk. Only skim. AHHHH!!!!! I quick thought about some of the other recipes I had looked at and remembered another that called for ricotta cheese, though I couldn't quite remember what else it had. So, I decided to get some cream, evaporated milk and condensed milk just to cover my bases, and headed home.
When I got there I looked up the ricotta cheese recipe and found that it is only ricotta cheese. huh. Go figure. So, I began cooking it to get the moisture out. And it worked!! :)
I made the dough and the filling and started making the gujiya!!
At one point as I was trying to cook the milk down I started laughing because I haven't wanted to bake cause there wasn't any challenge in it here. I was just thinking about making the wrong things! I should have been wanting to make something from India and then there'd be lots of challenge!
That's my adventure from the weekend. And my gujiya turned out GREAT!!! :D

Leaving home for home - an emotional roller coaster

I'll be leaving home(India) for home(USA) in a week.
I have such mixed feelings about it. Every time I think, "I'll get to see this person when I get home" or "I'll get to do this when I'm there" I think "But I have to leave this person" or "I won't be able to do this anymore."

I am excited to see my niece and nephews, Kaili Sue, Noah , Toby(I get to meet him for the first time!!) Eli and Sammy. I've missed them so much! I can't wait to love on them all I can!
I'll get to see my brothers and sisters and their significant others.
I get to see my best friend and her family.
I get to see my grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.
I get to see many of you that read this blog.
I'll get to do some scrap booking with my friend Julie.
I can go to the library and check out a book to read.
I get to share with you about my experiences here and about what I will be doing, face to face.
I'll get to go to church.
There's so much I'm looking forward to!

But...
I'll have to say goodbye to my host family.
I have to leave my friends here.
I won't live next to the mountains anymore.
I won't be able to have paneer.
I won't get to wear all the pretty clothes that I wear here...well not without getting strange looks anyway.
I won't be able to take my clothes to the tailor.
I won't hear Hinid everywhere I go.
There's so much I'm going to miss!! 

The ups and downs of these next couple weeks are going to be tough. It's a difficult place to be. But I know that it is right where Dad wants me. And I am excited about this next step.

There's never a dull moment in Delhi!

I'd like to share Suzy's most recent adventures in Delhi. Every time we go there, we have some kind of excitement, whether it's a bus crash on the way there, adventures at the US Embassy, bartering with shopkeepers, or trying to haggle a good price out of an auto driver. And this time was no less exciting for Suzy.
She left for Delhi to pick up here Chinese visa on Sunday evening around eight, after having rested all day because she wasn't feeling well. When she got to the Picture Palace bus stand she called me and said that she wasn't sure if there were any buses that late because it was Sunday. She asked if I knew where to get a share jeep, but I wasn't sure. She ended up finding a a share taxi and road down the mountain with a few other people. When they got to Dehra Dun they found out that there was a bus strike in this area. It was very difficult, but they finally found a bus, though it was only standard(not very comfortable at all!).
When she got to Delhi she hung out for awhile because the office didn't open till 9:30. Finally she decided to head over that way, but when she got to the office it was closed. When she asked why she was told that it was a Chinese holiday. So, she had to spend the night and go back the next day. Tuesday morning she went back to the office expecting to be in and out in just a matter of minutes. But, it was not to be. She was told that the cover letter they made her type up when she applied didn't have enough information and that she'd have to reapply. She asked again and again what exactly they wanted on the cover letter before she left the office to find an internet cafe to type and print. She was hoping that she could get it expedited so that she could pick it up on Wednesday, but alas, this also was not meant to be. She didn't get back to the office in time.
So, now she is waiting for her train that leaves in about an hour and is on her way back. She'll be going to Delhi again on Monday to *hopefully* pick it up.
Ah! You gotta LOVE "red tape'!!

Baking...minus the conviences of the States

A couple weeks ago Amber gave me a packet of Ranch Dressing Mix. The first thing I thought of was Garden Fresh Veggie Pizza. And Oh! It sounded good!! One problem though...we can't get croissant dough here. Bummer.
Every time I looked at that packet of dressing mix I thought about the pizza. I began to think about making my own croissant dough. It's something that I've wanted to try but never did because I've heard horror stories about it. But I finally decided that if I wanted to make this pizza then I'd have to just give it a try. So, I jumped onto google and found a pretty easy looking recipe at Bitter Sweet.
Then when the Clovers moved up here on the 29th I decided that they'd be my guinea pigs. My favorite part of making it(well, besides eating it) was whacking the butter into submission!! Just the thought of it brings a smile to my face remembering how much fun I had with it!! :D
My croissant dough turned out WONDERFUL and made and amazing veggie pizza!! Below are a couple pictures(here you go mom!!) and instructions on how to make the pizza.

Here is the nice crispy croissant crust for my Garden Fresh Veggie Pizza!!!

Just look at that flaky goodness!!

Topped with all kinds of crunchy goodness and a layer of Ranch Dressing in between!! YUM!!

Doesn't that just make your mouth water? And it's SUPER easy to make!! Well, if you live in a place where you don't have to make your own croissant dough that it. 

Here's how to make it...

Place the croissant dough on a cookie sheet and bake at 350 till golden brown. Take it out and let it cool. Mix one packet of Ranch Dressing mix with 1 cup sour cream and 8 oz cream cheese. Spread on cooled crust and place all kinds of yummy chopped veggies. 

Like I said super easy and SUPER yummy!! 

Enjoy!

Technical Difficulties...

So, for the past couple weeks I have noticed that the charger to my computer was not looking too healthy. I’d read about people having problems with the cord to their macs and knew I was having the same trouble. The cord(the wires) begins to pull away away form the magnetic part that connects to the computer. I was a bit worried about it because even though I could get one here they cost about twice as much as they do in the States.

But, then someone came to the rescue!! A friend of our was coming from the States and asked if there was anything we needed. I said “YES!! :D Could you pick up a new cord for me?” So, it is on it’s way.

But last night the cord really took a dump. I’ve been keeping my computer plugged in and not moving it because it was really hard to get it to charge again if I moved it. However, for some reason I can not say(other than stupidity) I unplugged and moved my computer and when I went to plug it in again it was VERY clear that it was not going to charge again. And it’ll be at least a few more days till I get my cord.

Oh. What to do? What to do? I took out my leatherman that my little brother got for me for Christmas before I left, the little one my dad got me and the Tweezers my mom gave me and began taking the thing apart. (My little brother and I used to take radios out of the old cars in our junkyard and put them in other cars or just messed around with them, so I know a bit about wiring) And finally this morning I got the thing to work again! :D YEAH!!

So, a big THANK YOU goes to my brother for the Leatherman, my Dad for my little leatherman and my Mom for my Tweezers!

On another note, here is a taste of Holi! Suzy and I went out to see puja yesterday and got a bit of color on our faces in the process.

   Suzy with color on her face.    
 

      

A mother showing her little boy how to do puja.

Technical Difficulties.

I’ve got lots to say right now, but not much time to say it. So, I’ll wait with all of that for a future post. But I wanted to let you all know why I no longer have pictures on my website. About two weeks ago Suzy and I went to D3lhi for a couple of days. When we got back I was doing a Mac OS X combined update for my computer but it didn’t install all the way and as a result my computer wouldn’t turn on. I tried a few things, called my brother and tried some things he suggested, but to no avail. However, lucky me, there is an authorized Apple place in D3hra D.n, so last Monday Suzy and I got on a bus again and heading the D.D.(only about one hour down the mountain) But, unlucky me, he was not able to do anything but erase my hard drive and reinstall Mac OS X. So, because I hadn’t gotten an external hard drive yet(stupid professional procrastinator that I am)  I lost EVERYTHING on my computer! Pictures(I can get them back from the Clover’s and Suzy though), music(the nice guy at that worked on my computer gave me his iTunes library though, complete with Michael Jackson, Aqua(Barbie Girl), Hannah Montana, Barbara Streisand, Britney Spears, The Doors, The Eagles, Elton John, Elvis Presley, Grateful Dead, Hillary Duff, Jimi Hendrix, Jonas Brothers, Josie and the Pussycats, and Linkin Park, among MANY others!!) all my knitting patterns and recipes, quasi important documents(many of these I had in emails, so that ended up being ok)  EVERYTHING!!! It was really frustrating. Also included in the loss was my iWeb(the program I use to make this website) which meant that I had to copy and past my website from the web back into iWeb in order to keep what I already had posted. Grrrr. I did the blog part of it first because that was pretty easy. But I got really tired of it so I decided not to do the pictures. So, that I why there are not pictures on here anymore(other that what was on my blog updates). But I’ll try and get some pictures uploaded again soon. And I have a camera of my own now, so I don’t have to kidnap pictures from the Clovers or Suzy anymore. :)


Oh, and needless to say, I bought an external hard drive the day I was in D.D. and have been backing up my computer on a regular biases. I think I’ve also been an inspiration to the Clovers and Suzy because they’ve been backing theirs up more often too. ; )