Worry

Anxiety has been my natural posture, my default stiffness. The way I curl my toes up, tight retreat. How I angle my jaw, braced, chisel the brow with the lines of distrust. How I don't fold my hands in prayer...weld them into tight fists of control. Always control--pseudopower from the pit. How I refuse to relinquish worry, babe a mother won't forsake, an identity. Do I hold worry close as this ruse of control, this pretense that I'm the one who will determine the course of events as I stir and churn and ruminate? Worry is the facade of taking action when prayer really is. And stressed, this pitched word that punctuates every conversation, is it really my attempt to prove how indispensable I am? Or is it more? Maybe disguising my deep fears as stress seems braver somehow. 


As I read One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp this morning I was struck by this paragraph. My friend teases me that I don't worry. But that's not true. She doesn't see it because I just do it internally, not externally. I think that if I keep all my worry on the inside...put up a facade of control, that everything will be ok. And then when things blow up I feel like a complete failure. I beat myself up on the inside, letting the enemy taking advantage of it...telling me how worthless I am because I couldn't get everything done.

This morning I read in 2 Corinthians 3:5-6 Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God, who also made us adequate as servants of a new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life. 


God has given me all that I need to acomplish each days tasks. By myself, I can do nothing. My giant to-do list will always remain just that, giant. Unless I stop worrying, and give it to God. I almost skipped my quiet time today, thinking I've got too much to do today...maybe tonight I'll read my Bible. But I'm so glad I didn't.

My to-do list is still just as big as it was before, and it still seems daunting...I don't know how I'm going to get all that I still have to do done...but you know what? Worrying will not do anything to that list!! God has made me adequate to start knocking things off that list one by one.

So, today when I begin to worry I will open my tight fists of control, take the hand of God and pray. I will tell Him of my worries, let Him take them onto His shoulders. Because really, His are stronger than mine. He has the strength to carry them...not me.

What helps you when you feel that you can't go on any more? When all you want to do is give up? When your life seems to be imploding around you? How do you open your tight fists of control?

Tickling the heart of God

Have you ever thought about tickling the heart of God? You know how when a small child tells you the cutest thing you've ever heard? Or when a child brings you the biggest arm full of freshly picked dandelions...all the stems so short that there is no way you can put them in a vase, so instead you just put them in a bowl of water? Or when you lay on the top of a hill watching the clouds together and that sweet little child's imagination just runs wild with what they see in the clouds? Or when after having to discipline a small loved one and they look up at you, tears still fresh in their eyes and they simply say, "I love you." And your heart just melts, so in love with that child. Tickled that they love you no matter what you do. No matter how many mistakes you make. No matter if you forgot them at church or even at the grocery store.

Sometimes I like to imagine my self frolicking through a meadow with Jesus, chasing each other across the hills. Picking wildflowers with Him, chasing butterflies, laughing over the silliest little things, and then tumbling to the ground, laying there giggling like little children. Watching the clouds overhead and falling asleep in the sweet sunshine. Then walking down to the little stream and sitting on a log that lays from one bank to the other, dangling our toes in the cool water. Talking about everything and nothing. Just like the old friends that we are.
One day, I hope that I can find this meadow for real...just like I picture it in my head. A few rolling hills, covered in wildflowers. A nice sunny day, not too hot. A small breeze that just barely stirs the grass and flowers. Beautiful butterflies floating from one flower to the next. Little birds singing a sweet song of praise. Clouds drifting through the sky, just the perfect kind for watching. A gentle brook, lined with trees that give just enough shade from the late afternoon sun, with that log that rests over the water in the perfect place to dangle your feet and visit. And I'll stay there all day with Jesus. When I get hungry there will be a berry patch filled with strawberries, blueberries and raspberries. When I get sleepy, I'll lay in the sun and rest. If I'm thirsty I can drink from the brook. But the whole day I'll be with Jesus in this perfect, wonderful, undisturbed place. And it will tickle His heart to spend the whole day with me, and I with Him. Talking and running and laughing like old friends.
But until I find this meadow...I content myself with the one in my head. And when the stress of this life becomes too much for me...this is where I retreat to. And I cherish these moments with Jesus. In childlike innocence I enjoy His love, His presence and His joy. And it is so refreshing! And I know that it tickles His heart to meet me there.

How about you? Do you have a place that you imagine going to? A place of retreat with Jesus? How do you picture tickling the heart of Jesus?