Sunday, March 6, 2011

**WARNING** BRUTALLY HONEST POST!!

If you don't want to read about a missionary who struggles, who sometimes often doesn't want to be where she is, longs to be elsewhere and on some days wants to give up, than please, read no further.


However, if you are ok with hearing the honest truth of the struggles, longings, and wantings to give up, than please, continue on.


I would like to take a moment and be brutally honest with you...


Some days I really don't want to be here in the Philippines. I do not connect with the culture here (don't get me wrong, I do love the girls that I live with and I enjoy the woman who come for prenatals). I don't like that everyone here is so western but not. It's like they are trying to be someone they aren't. I feel like we eat the same (good, but the same) food all the time. And I HATE country music and that's the favorite genre of everyone here.


Some days I just want to talk to my family and friends without either getting up really early or staying up late. I hate that when I do try and call my family they never answer their phone. I hate that I wasn't able to even wish my nephew a happy birthday yet (and it's already been five days since his birthday) let alone celebrate with him. I hate that I've missed three of my nephews births and I'll miss this next one too.


Sometimes I would love to be able to bake something when I have all the ingredients readily available. To be able to make something and not have to think about what I need to substitute for something I can't get. Or to be able to try a recipe that calls for specialty ingredients. To not have to try and get things to bake right, struggling with the humidity and everything.


Some days I really just want to have a normal job, 9 to 5. Monday through Friday. To be able to get up in the morning and actually GO to work...get in my car and drive across town, park, and walk into my work place. Have a lunch break. Work through the afternoon and get off at five. To be able to go home and cook dinner in my own kitchen that is decorated how I want it and has all the utensils I could ever DREAM of having (including a can opener that ACTUALLY works!!).


Some days I just want to have my own home. To not share everything with everybody. To be able to leave dirty dishes in the sink overnight and it not't matter to anyone but me. To have a house to myself, not having people around me CONSTANTLY!! (since I moved here in August I've only been completely alone in the house twice) To be able to be me, without having people telling me don't do that, don't say things that way, or you should do this or be this.


 
Some days I just want to give up. I want to go home. I want to have a car, a home and eventually, a family. I read about my friends who are married and have several children. I see on Facebook that even some of my campers are having babies!! And I wonder, will I ever get married? Will I ever have a family? Some days I just want to say, "That's it. I've had enough. I'm going home." I want to say to God, "Here, take it. This burden you've given to me...I can't handle it anymore. You can have it back."




These are just a few of the things that I struggle with, usually in one area or another almost every day. I don't want you to take this the wrong way. I know that God has me here for a reason, that the training I am receiving will help to reach the woman of north India. And I know that God is faithful and will see me through, even through these hard times. But I also wanted to be honest so that you know that I do struggle. So that you can pray for me, write me notes of encouragement. I miss home and I want to be there, but I will continue on.


I am reminded of Paul when he was writing to the believers at Philippi. Paul was struggling with his longing to be with Jesus, to be home. He says that if he was given the choice to stay or go, he knows he would stay for their sake. Given the choice, it would be tough, and I'm really not sure what I would choose at this point (it's been a pretty tough day), but I hope that I would choose to stay. To continue on. Knowing that it my struggles will be to the benefit of the Jaunsari people.


If you are shocked by my honesty, I am sorry. I simply wanted you to know my struggles, my burdens. Thank you for listening.
~sara~

8 comments:

mamawit.com said...

I understand days like that. Just found your blog from fb and wanted to say I admire what you're doing to get your midwifery training. And hoping for a better day today!

albacoffie said...

Thank you for you comment! :) I am having a better day today. I've been doing prenatal exams all morning and am being reminded of why I am here. God sure is good. :)

Anonymous said...

Just a thought...maybe you don't connect because you are more focused on complaining about being here than on soaking it up. And if you would stop complaining and start connecting then maybe you would understand who Filipinos are and realize that the "they are trying to be someone they aren't" statement is so far from true. You CAN have a normal job and a normal life, the reality of following God is that He CAN find someone else...He doesn't NEED you (or any of us)...it's an HONOR to be able to serve, not a requirement. So as a fellow missionary to the Philippines, who considers herself rather blessed to serve in such an amazing and beautiful country, I challenge you to have a new perspective on things and since you brought up Paul, maybe you can start with Acts 16:25. Obviously prison wasn't easy but the reward of praising God and seeing the beauty in it ALL was astounding...

Amber said...

I love you Sara.

albacoffie said...

Thanks Amher! :D

Anonymous said...

Don't need to apologize for being human, for chaffing against the "press of life". Besides, the Lord knows you are feeling all those things, and at least you can be honest and not repress it, which only produces smoldering anger. In God's economy, your training is more than your profession, it's all those other areas of our being that have to do boot camp too. India is a lot more congested than Phil., which may seem like nothing when you are in the thick of it later on.
Hang in there--God's marinade is not always pleasant, but the other side is good. Rhonda Porter/DSM/IA

Anonymous said...

Beautiful Precious Girl!!!

Oh, my heart and thoughts and prayers go out to you! I know that life is oh so hard and living cross-culturally for sure presents its ugly days! The Lord is your Keeper! "From where shall my help come? My help come from the Lord...the Maker of heaven and earth! He Who keeps you will not allow your foot to slip!"

Praying for you!!
Love you oh so much!
Your sister,
Kayla

Stephen said...

I like you Sara.

and

That one anonymous is kind of mean.